Telling My Story

This is the 1st of a series of posts chronicling Chris' battle with Acute Myeloid Leukemia.

I've been battling cancer for the past five months.

Throughout that time, I've been surrounded by hundreds of people who have prayed for me, served our family, and shared our burden. But I haven't really shared my story publicly.

As a result, there's a ton of ambiguity about what's actually going on with me. Some people see me around town and wonder if I'm knocking on death's door. Others assume that everything must be fine, and my cancer is a thing of the past. The truth is somewhere in between.

I'm going to use this space to tell the story of my battle with cancer. I don't know the ending yet. Hopefully we can find out together. But in the meantime, I need to share my story. Partly, I need to do this for myself. We can walk through seasons of darkness and never turn back and process what we've learned, or how we've changed. I hope to do that here. I also hope that in telling my story, I can somehow encourage others who are suffering and asking all the questions that come with it. 

Here's what I know: 

God is sovereign. Period. No qualifications or caveats. 

God is good. Infinitely good. The standard and source for all other goodness. 

If I have cancer? God is sovereign, and God is good. If I die from this? God is sovereign, and God is good. These were guiding principles in my life before I had cancer, and they've continued to be anchor points for my soul throughout this season. 

Feel free to read and follow these posts, or to share them with anyone you think needs it. Thanks for walking this journey with me.

Demonstrating Worship

I preached a sermon last week about Jesus "demonstrating" for his disciples. He didn't call his closest followers to anything that he didn't show in his own life. And what he called them to wasn't easy - give up everything for Christ's sake. But he actually lived it, and as they watched him, they eventually caught on. Everything Jesus did - his prayer life, his dependence on the Scriptures, his interaction with people who were far from God, his compassion for the hurting, his humility - all of these things were object lessons for the 12 men that Jesus was investing in.

As I interacted with that truth, this leadership principle emerged for me:

THE THINGS THAT YOU DEMONSTRATE WITH YOUR OWN LIFE WILL BE THE THINGS THAT ARE PRODUCED IN THE LIVES OF THE PEOPLE YOU INFLUENCE.

Everyone demonstrates. Therefore, everyone leads in some way. Right now the patterns that you follow, the way you spend your time and money, the things that are important to you, are all influencing someone else. At times, this is a terribly unsettling idea. At other times, it can be the lone source of hope that God is working through you.

Leading worship can be a really difficult role. Every worship leader at times feels like he or she is singing time-filler songs in front of a disinterested crowd of blank stares. You can imagine, that's not a great feeling. It could be a crowd of clueless 7th graders who are mildly sedated by the chemical reaction of Axe body spray and hormones. It could be a crowd of seemingly responsible adults who are simply too bothered by life to care. Or a thousand points in between.

There are different ways that worship leaders have dealt with the tension of these moments. Sometimes we disengage. Essentially, this is the same as quitting. We just say, "Well, if they aren't engaged, then I don't need to either." So we unplug. We finish our obligatory song set and then leave the stage, knowing that our hearts left three songs earlier. At other times worship leaders can try and bully the congregation into worship. "...If I can just coerce them into raising their hands..." Or maybe we just chastise them for caring so little about the greatness of God.

Whatever our coping mechanism looks like, we all have a tendency as worship leaders to assume that a disengaged congregation is our problem, so I have to fix it. But God has never placed that burden on us. As a worship leader, there is only one heart in attendance that I have any control over, and it is my own. So on a leadership level, one of the greatest responsibilities a worship leader has is to demonstrate what worship looks like. Not on a musical level, or what physical posture you take, but on a heart level. What does it look like when someone's heart is captivated by the beauty of God? Of course, this doesn't mean that our worship is a show... people can immediately see through the facade if you're worshiping to "be noticed." But if we follow Jesus' model of leadership, the things that we demonstrate will eventually rub off on the people we influence.

Before tempos, pitch, transitions, or eloquence, the one great responsibility of worship leaders is this: am I worshiping? If the answer is no, then you have no hope of leading others to worship. If the answer is yes, then you can take heart. The evidence may be minuscule, and the progress imperceptible, but if you are worshiping, then others will follow.

Owen is a year old. Wow.

We celebrated Owen's birthday last night with some friends and family. I make a video for our kids' birthdays and it's always fun to see how much changes in a year. As I was looking through pics and video from Owen's first year, these Coldplay songs really captured how I felt. Life always comes with a mix of happiness and sorrow, as great moments are fleeting and you want to "slow it down."

What a blessing.

The First Things To Go

Well, it's obviously been a long time since I've posted. The last couple months have been some of the most overwhelming that I've had in my life. Those who know me are probably aware that on September 25, my church (Crossroads) voted to strategically merge with another church in Ruston (Christ Community Church), a decision that really excites me about God's work in my hometown. For me personally, that meant having the congregation I lead in worship double in size overnight, a congregation that knows neither me nor my music. The first couple months of the merged church (The Bridge Community Church) have been exciting, challenging, and exhausting.

One of the many struggles I have is anxiety. I can become overwhelmed and I spend my time trying to gain control of situations that are simply out of my control. In the words of the SNL spoof of the late Harry Carey, I guess I'm just a worrier. (That's why my friends call me Whiskers.) So as great at this church merger has been, it also means that there's way more for me to do than I actually have time or energy to do. So I've been spending more time at work, less time with the family... but more than anything I spend time feeling stressed out. I'll lay in bed at night and make lists of things that I need to get done, or freak out over things I haven't done. I'm forgetting to do some things that have been a normal part of my job for the last nine years.

Thing is, we aren't made to be overwhelmed. It's an extremely prideful thing to think that we can manage everything in life, or keep it under our control. Part of being a follower of Christ means that we give Him control of everything we are: our energy, our priorities, our time, etc. But the fact remains, we don't always do that really well. And when I'm stressed, there are some important things in my life that get pushed out of the way. Here are a few of the most glaring:

1. Prayer. It's sad to say, but personal prayer is the most important thing that gets left out when I'm overwhelmed. I heard that a famous person once said, "I'm too busy not to pray." (I'm sure I could figure out who said it, but that would require a google search and I'm just too busy right now.) Philippians 4:6-7 is appropriate: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."That's a command and a promise. Command: Don't worry. Instead take your issues to God. Promise: The peace of God will guard you. I could use some heavenly peace right now. Maybe I should pray.

2. Strategic thought. This is the reason I haven't blogged or journaled lately. I had a friend tell me once that the difference between "normal people" and "highly effective people" is the amount of time they spend thinking. So my friend would try to spend a few minutes every day to shut his office door and just think about life. I haven't done anything like that lately. It would be great for me to ask myself some questions. What's good about my life right now? What isn't good? What can I change? Am I happy? Is my family happy? Where am I going? Where do I need to be going?

3. Exercise. I told Karen the other day, "It's been months since I did anything recreational." I love golf, but haven't played in months. I feel better when I run, but have run once in like three months. I started 2011 by doing push-ups and sit-ups every day. (100/day, adding 25 every week). I got huge, the buffest I've ever been. Haven't done a push-up since March. There are certain times that I try to eat heatlhier. Those of you who know me are laughing right now, because I love El Jarrito and Captain D's. And I've been eating a lot of chimichangas lately. (I eat because I'm busy and I'm busy because I eat.) Wade Burnett told me yesterday that I looked pregnant. I almost exclusively drink soft drinks. The only time I drink water is on Sundays, and that's only so I don't get hoarse singing. I could go on, but I don't want you to know how lazy and undisciplined I am... too late?

In short, anxiety has led me to being spiritually, mentally, and physically unhealthy. So now, not only am I anxious but I'm depressed as well. I'm a really nice person though.

Problem is, I keep waiting for a time when I can get a handle on life. I figure once that happens I'll be able to get myself healthy. How whack is that?! Jesus was pretty clear, "Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Not, "Work real hard to get your stuff done, then you'll get yourself rest," but "Bring your burdens. Bring your worries. Bring your schedule. And in the middle of that whirlwind, you will find rest for your soul."

I'm weary. I'm heavy-laden. So I guess I qualify.

Do you? What are the first things to go for you?

New Blog Design?

I have a designer friend named Jake Dugard who is extremely talented. My blog has needed lots of help, so I told Jake I'd buy him lunch if he helped me give my blog a facelift. He thought an image at the top of my blog would add a lot to the feel of the page.

He came in my office yesterday really excited about what he had come up with. The problem is, I don't really like it.  Here's what he gave me:

How do you tell someone who is trying to help you "Thanks, but no thanks"?